Author Writes Book That Sends You Mad

Literary lunacy ensues!

There has been much talk recently about a work of fiction which, if read, guarantees a person a one way trip to bedlam. Due to the non compos mentis nature of the people who have read it, no one is actually sure what this book is about. However, we have tracked down the author of this deranged volume.

Craig Hallam, former Captain of the Ipswitch girls under 11's bare-knuckle boxing team, was found hiding in a cellar in Leeds. After coaxing him out of his hidey hole we asked him about the themes in his book:

"In short it's a towering epic of a novel, with a few sizzling gypsies thrown in.I don't know why people are going bonkers from it. I've read it dozens of times and I'm as sane as the Prince of Wubble."

We also managed to speak to a young girl, that was either his carer or someone he'd kidnapped, and asked her what she thought of the book. Unfortunately she could only manage to respond by staring into the middle distance and laughing.

Unfortunately for now it seems the contents of this book will remain uncertain and, for the sake of public safety, we recommend no-one read it. If you do find yourself with a copy, please place it in a wooden chest and hide it in the wardrobe, just to be on the safe side.

Temporal Anomaly in Lincoln's Bailgate

Tempus fugit runs wild!

Behind a seemingly ordinary door in uphill Lincoln lurks a vortex bound for the year 1909. On the other side of this temporal tunnel is Lady Rose's Edwardian tea-room.

If you do find yourself flung into the past here, do not despair! The cakes and sandwiches, made on the premises, are quite delicious.

The worrying aspect is whether or not the time anomaly is a prelude for an invasion of our century, or a scientific experiment by a higher life form. Senior temporal investigator, Sextus O'clock, had this to say; "Currently we are not treating this situation as a threat to the public. The staff are very friendly and so far the time travel is in both directions."

Whilst speculation continues about the origin of the tea room, the staff are appealing for information about who left the fez on the hat stand.

If you have any information pertaining to anything in this story, please contact the ministry of temporal affairs immediately.

Political Rally in Lincoln

Monkey business causes a stir.

This last Thursday saw the return of a political agitator to Lincoln, with crowds flocking to hear him speak.

Taking the stage at his favourite disreputable drinking den, Professor Elemental exhorted the crowds with the philosophy of his political party. The eponymous Elementary party, which seems to consist of one rapper and his monkey, has yet to declare which seat it may be standing for.

When contacted for a statement Professor Elemental told us; "Our policies are simple, more Earl Grey and a few less bankers eating all the cake."

Other policies discussed on the night were the proposed law against feeding trolls and a declaration of war, though it was unclear who against. All that was clear was the approval of the crowd as they bayed for more of the Khaki clad rhetoric.


This reporter also tried to obtain a statement from Geoffrey, who some people claim is the real power in the party. When asked his opinion of the current regime he flung his excrement at the crowd. Sometimes nothing needs to be said.

Westminster has yet to respond.